Chongs On Missus

The Adventures of Mark McGuire and Doctor Obvious

2010-01-12T20:38:00.002-07:00

The big news story of Monday was Mark McGuire’s admission that he had used performance enhancing drugs throughout his career. While I doubt that the astute baseball observer would consider this news, this is confirmation of what we have long suspected. To me, it seems that this admission is ill-timed, and will present McGuire with quite a challenge as the new Cardinals hitting coach. Prior to his admission, my thought was that he would be a great hitting coach, although perhaps that wouldn’t be apparent right away. His advice would begin with “swing really hard,” or “try to take a walk.” If guys were struggling at the plate despite his genius advice, I assumed that he would take them to the back room, show them some “supplements” and wait for the transformation. By mid season, I expected that the Cardinals would be one of the best hitting teams in baseball, due to McGuire’s expert insight into the mind of the hitter, or something like that. Now that he has come clean, that will presumably prohibit him from offering his pupils the real secret to his success. Now what will he do? Maybe Poo-holes can teach the team how to hit; lord knows he’s qualified.

In the spirit of McGuire’s statement of the obvious, I have compiled a list of other admissions that I hope that we will see someday.

Cecil Fielder admits that he is fat.

So does Prince.

Gilbert Arenas admits that for the good of his career, maybe he should have left his guns at home. So does Plaxico Burress.

Hillary Swank admits that she has shark teeth, but isn’t British.

Brett Favre admits that he will retire after this season, and then changes his mind. Chris Chelios keeps playing in the AHL.

Jay Leno admits that he has a big chin.

So does Brian Mulroney.

Kaley Kuoco admits that she is very hot.

Mike Milbury admits that maybe trading Bobby Lu was a bad idea. So does Mike Kennan.

Eklund admits that he has no insider contacts, and makes crap up (e5).

Mel Gibson admits that he's not down with the Phairisees.

My brother admits that the younger brother is always superior to the older brother.

Admissions that I’d love to see, but I’m not counting on:

Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa admit that they used steroids. Clemens and Bonds won’t because that would mean that they would go to jail; Sammy won’t until he unforgets how to speak English.

Derek Jeter admits that he is overrated and has never understood why everyone loves him since he is, after all, a douche-bag.

I can dream can’t I?

Happy New Year!/The Return of Chongs/Gilbert Arenas and a Closer Look at the NBA CBA

2010-01-06T12:03:00.002-07:00

I don’t like the NBA. I can’t watch an NBA game because they are pretty ridiculous from start to finish. They begin with player introductions that make it clear that NBA basketball is not a team game, rather a bunch of guys who fill out a roster around a star or two. I have seen Labron throw caulk dust over his head, and Shaq pretend to be a bowling ball knocking down other teammates who pretend to be pins. This sort of stuff is fine for pro wrestling, but is embarrassing for a real sport. The actual game play could be highly athletic, but last time I watched it required little skill as most of the points were scored on dunks or close in tip-ins, meaning that the only qualities needed by the players are height and the ability to jump slightly. When fouled, guys react like they have been shot, or had their houses burned down, or both. Endings are anticlimactic as the last two minutes of close games are ruined by the timeouts that are called every four seconds to drag out a close finish over 20 minutes. Perhaps worst of all, one of the most dominant players over the past 20 years or so couldn’t a hit a free throw if his life depended on it, but his reality show was pretty cool.

Off the court, things are even worse. We’ve all heard about how former NBA referee Tim Donaghy bet on lots of games, including ones that he was officiating. Recall that Kobe Bryant, the NBA’s golden boy, was accused of rape, and settled with his accuser out of court in 2003. Ron Artest was involved in beating up fans during a game, and admitted to drinking at halftime during his career. Latrel Spreewell tried to strangle his coach, and Jayson Williams was charged with murder/manslaughter in the death of a limo driver. And of course, around Christmas and New Years Gilbert Arenas admitted to storing firearms in his locker, and he and a teammate even allegedly drew guns on each other in the locker room during an argument about gambling debts.

The Arenas firearm issue brought one very interesting item to my attention. Apparently the NBA’s collective bargaining agreement between the player union and owners includes a clause that firearms are not allowed to be brought to the workplace. Now I would have thought that this would be fairly obvious, and wouldn’t need to be explicitly specified in the agreement. I would have guessed that most guys would know that they aren’t supposed to bring guns to work. I can’t think of very many workplace environments (other than police and military) at which weapons are required. I certainly don’t bother bringing any guns to my office job. So this has led me to wonder what else might be included in the NBA CBA. Fortunately, I was able to obtain said document, and here are 10 included clauses that caught my eye.

1. Please wear clothes when in a public venue. You do not need to wear clothes when showering, and you can wear pajamas while sleeping and swim trunks while at the beach or pool. Please wear your team uniform and sneakers whilst on the court. If you have a serious injury (such as a hangnail) and can’t play and still wish to hang out on the bench, please wear a cool suit.
2. If you need to pee or poop, please use the urinal or toilet. The urinal is for pee only, but you may pee and/or poop (or even vomit) in the toilet.
3. You are a professional basketball player. This means that you are paid to play basketball games, practice skills and drills, and participate in other team functions. You are paid in dollars, and this money can be exchanged for goods and services. The money that you earn can be used to purchase items that you want or need (e.g. house, car, food) or may be given to others to perform services for you (e.g. pay for someone to cut your grass).
4. Sunday is the first day of the week. In order, the days following Sunday are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
5. The team coach is in charge of setting the lineup, devising a strategy, making substitutions, etc. Please listen to what he says. The general manager is in charge of building the roster. Please listen to what he says.
6. Drugs are bad, m’kay, so don’t do drugs. M’kay.
7. A lot of people like to drink coffee, especially in the morning. Starbucks is a popular place to purchase coffee.
8. Basketball is a team sport in which two teams of 5 players try to score points against one another by placing a ball through a 10 foot (3.048 m) high hoop (the goal) under organized rules. You don’t need to worry about all of the rules, especially traveling.
9. String theory is a developing branch of quantum mechanics and general relativity into a quantum theory of gravity. The strings of string theory are one-dimensional oscillating lines, but they are no longer considered fundamental to the theory, which can be formulated in terms of points or surfaces too.
10. Many people like to have pets. Dogs are a popular choice as they are smart and affectionate, and can be trained to do tricks. Some people like cats because they are more independent and lower maintenance than dogs. My cat’s breath smells like cat food.

Who knew?

The Most Unrealistic Thing About 300

2009-08-28T10:47:00.009-06:00

Thinking about Frank Miller's spin on comics, got me wondering how it is he can reimagine old stories and retell them so that they are cool. I started to think of the movie 300 and the special effects, the over the top cinematography and the cast of characters. Everything was larger, more grotesque, more bloody, more slow motion-y. It also made the story unrealistic (not that that was the focus for Miller). So I got to thinking - what was the most unrealistic thing about the movie? I now KNOW the answer but here are some close answers...

1. Maybe it was the 12 foot tall god king Xerxes? I don't care how deep his voice was, still not too masculine in my mind.

2. Maybe it was the oracle floating in the air, with see through material?

3. Maybe it was Bill Parcells mutated lobster-arm brother?

4. Maybe it was the special guest star appearance of the Hunchback of Notre Dame? I think Frank gor his stories confused on this one.

All good options, but not the correct answer. The correct answer is...

300 greek dudes, no body hair!?!?! Has anyone ever been to the mediterranean? Seriously, its like everyone there is constantly wearing sweaters at the beach. It should have been the same dudes, but with this guys body hair.

This Story is Nuts!

2009-08-26T19:11:00.004-06:00

I can’t imagine anything that would be more embarrassing than being asked to take a gender verification test. South African runner Caster Semenya has been asked to do just that, since she has shown rapid, significant (and thus suspicious) improvement in her performance as of late. Given these improvements, and the fact that she is involved in track and field, aren’t performance enhancing drugs a more likely explanation than a questionable gender? Occum’s Razor would lead us to that conclusion. So I feel bad for her, and I hope that it turns out that she is a woman who happens to be good at her sport. I have no quarrel with her, but as you might imagine, this article got me thinking, and mockery will now ensue.

What really strikes me as odd about this story is the line “IAAF spokesman Nick Davies says the ‘extremely complex, difficult’ test has been started but the results were not expected for several weeks.” Really? How difficult and complex could such a test be? Isn’t this as simple as distinguishing between snatch and cock and balls? Shouldn’t such a test take like 5 seconds? “Yeah Jerry, she pulled her pants down. It’s definitely a sniz – I don’t see any twig and berries. Check off female on the form.” Done.

I’ve been wracking my brain for other athletes who might need gender verification tests, and none really come to mind. There are some strange specimens to be sure, like Amelie “Hank” Mauresmo, a rather masculine-looking female tennis player, some of the Chinese “women” gymnasts from the Beijing Olympics who were too young to have gender development and/or were extra-terrestrials, and the Cold War era East German “Female” Swim Team. I also thought of Mrs. Doubtfire and a he/she who works at a Tim Hortons nearby, but they don’t really qualify as athletes. There are however, quite a few athletes who need some sort of manliness verification test, which is perhaps a subset of the gender verification test, which may explain why the test is so complicated and time-consuming. So I’ve got no new candidates for gender verification, but check out the weird stuff about these dudes I discuss below.

Let’s start with Habs centre Tomas Plekanec. On the surface, beyond a penchant for wearing turtlenecks he doesn’t arouse any suspicion. However, during the 2008 playoffs after a couple of losses to the Boston Bruins, Turtlepleks was quoted "The last two games, I played like a little girl out there. I didn't respond the way I liked." Aha! Maybe he should take a gender verification test to see if he is actually a little girl. His performance during the 2008-2009 season leads me to believe that he is a little girl, or perhaps a zombie as proposed by Four Habs Fans.

While we are talking about the Habs, let’s not forget Ryan O’Byrne, and his involvement in “Pursegate” in early 2008. Ryno is a developing (read: crappy) defenseman, and we only forget about his fondness for fine feminine leather goods because he shot (and scored on) the Habs empty net last season. But recall the incident from February 2008 in which O’Byrne was arrested outside a South Tampa night club. A woman lost track of her purse, and later spotted O’Byrne holding it while waiting outside the night club. She promptly called the police. Does the desire to collect women's handbags mean that he should take a gender verification test? Of course it doesn’t. But something isn’t right with this dude.

Keeping with the purse theme, perhaps you remember this historically accurate, unaltered photo of Alex Rodriguez from the 2004 ALCS. With one out and Derek Jeter on first base in the bottom of the eighth inning, A-Rod hit a slow roller between the pitcher's mound and the first base line. Red Sox pitcher Bronson Arroyo fielded the ball and ran towards Rodriguez to apply a tag. As Arroyo reached towards him, Rodriguez swatted at his glove, knocking the ball loose. As the ball rolled away, Jeter scored all the way from first as Rodriguez took second on the play, which was initially ruled an error on Arroyo. However, the umpires quickly huddled, then ruled that Rodriguez was out for interference. Jeter was sent back to first base, his run nullified. This incident lead to many referring to him as a ‘pussy’, or ‘bitch’ which seems reasonable given that he carries his purse with him during baseball games. Again a gender verification test is not necessary, but this was a d-bag move. As much as I don’t really like A-Rod, I dislike Jeter even more (that might make a good blog post!) and I am continually mystified as to how the media treats him like he’s Jean Frickin' Beliveau.

A more likely candidate for gender verification would be current Toronto Maple Leaf Tomas Kaberle, who despite being 31 years old, has never, ever shaved. This clearly indicates a lack of testosterone and an excess of estrogen. So maybe this guy should get tested. I’d say that we should wait to see if he can grow a playoff beard, but he plays for the Leafs, so that ain’t happening.

What Is Tat?

2009-08-25T09:30:00.003-06:00

Whatever it is, it must be pretty good. I mean if you are making a trade of Tit for Tat, straight up, you must be getting pretty good value. I think most people know how good Tit is, so it follows that Tat must be pretty good too. I would like to find this so called Tat.

Awesome Conversation

2009-08-19T16:05:00.003-06:00

When I say awesome conversations, these could include:
- the breakup conversation
- the conversation where the doctor tells you its prostate checking time
- the conversation you have with your boss in the locker room showers
- the conversation you have when your significant other asks you where you've been all night and then finds "Julie's" phone number in your jacket pocket

They could also include the conversation I just had.

[man 1]: "You're going to have to give the presentation to the president of the company when he comes in later this month"
[me]: "Ok. You want me to prepare this presentation?"
[man 1]: "No need. I"ll put something together and I'll keep it simple. You know, just down to the nuts and boats. "

Awesome.

%Clubs Girls Would Like to Join%

2009-08-17T09:29:00.008-06:00

In my attempts to meet women, I've been thinking about social associations where people with common interests would gather to interact in a communal setting. What sort of clubs would attract the most "interesting" of women? I will put forth a number of suggestions!

1. I start with an easy one: the CHESS club. I mean, you may think that these are the worst places to meet "interesting" women but in fact these are the place where you could find the freakiest of the freaks! I mean what type of girl goes to a CHESS club meeting unless she is looking to mate (even if it is a check mate). Here, she will find people who will try to put her in a forked position or try and skewer or pin her. Never mind that the events are often timed and really good players often entertain a number of different opponents in simultaneously. Even if they don't play, maybe they just like to watch.

2. What about the Noblemen Of the Dewey Decimal Illustriate? Becuase their name speaks of their history (it was previously limited to only male membership) the club has been hard pressed to recruit a large female enrollment. Now that the word is out, there is a large contingency of NODDI women. Imagine that, a club where NODDI behaviour is encouraged! And who doesn't want to meet NODDI women?

3. If you have a penchant for the mathematical and role playing, I recommend Abacus & Slide Ruler's. In this association you'll be transported back to a time where you'll meet medieval mathematicians and some barmaids, wenches, trollops and strumpets. Plus, you get the super-duper wicked cool t-shirt that plainly says "Lets make like the Fibonacci Series" in abacus. Its kinda like writing 5,318,008 on a calculator and then flipping the calculator upside down.

4. Cartographers Anonymous - The key word here is anonymous. No strings attached to the relationships you'll form here. The girls you meet here will take you to the ends of the earth and want to take you into uncharted territory. You'll get to explore places where no man has ever trespassed before and come home to tell about it. Make sure you bring the proper provisions as this club tends to attract women that like to rough it.

I've left out some of the more obvious clubs (Comic Book Club, LAN Clubs, The Binary Society, Harry Pottery, etc) simply because they are so busy, you'll have a hard time really connecting with the hot girls you will undoubtedly meet there. Stick to these more exclusive clubs and you'll do fine.

I Love Rock Band

2009-08-16T11:26:00.007-06:00

Check out these recent Rock Band results on hard level from Dr. and Mrs. Handsometeeth, with Mrs. slappin' her bass and Dr. rockin' the mike, y'all. Time to move on to expert methinks!

The Burden of Expectation

2009-08-12T08:20:00.009-06:00

DISCLAIMER: I am not married, so the analogy I am about to use isn't first hand information, but it is what I think marriage would be like.

I wanted to comment on Alex Rios, the former RF for the BJ's. He was a first round pick of the Blue Jays and was a highly touted prospect coming up through the minor leagues. He is tall, athletic, and can hit the crap out of the baseball. Problem is, it appears he's not always wanting to hit the baseball. His onfield production has teased the BJ's for seasons and he has actually shown glimpses of fulfilling his potential by making two All Star games. The expectations of Rios was for him to be a cornerstone of the team, leading the team in HR and RBI whilst playing gold golve caliber defense. These expectations lead to the BJ's signing Rios to a long term, expensive contract (~60 million remaining). If only you could build a team on expectations.

Recently, the BJ's put Rios on waivers and he was picked up the WhiteSox for nothing. The BJ's decided it was better to be without Rios, and all his talent, than spend money for which they did not think they were getting the proper return. As a fan, this is completely infuriating as Rios was an asset, why not trade him and get something in return?

This had me thinking of the burden of expectations; you can't live up to them. And to think that you can go through life without expecting from people or people expecting from you is absurd. To me, this is self evident every time I go to a wedding and hear vows being exchanged. Basically, its a verbal, public statement of what the expectations of the marriage are (not to mention the non-public expectations). I can bet that most guys at one point thought that one of the perks of being married is sweet action, whenever you want. Awesome... in theory. I'd sign a long term contract on that for sure! I wonder how many marriages acutally live up to expectations? And like I mentioned previously, to think that you can go into marriage with no expectations is unreasonable. What is important is how people react when the expectations aren't met. Do they fly off the handle? Become depressed and think life is over? Or do they readjust their expectations and move forward with this new reality?

Below is a commentary from a WhiteSox fan and their opinion of the Rios claim.

Score another one for Kenny Williams. It almost never happens that players as talented Alex Rios can be acquired without surrendering anything in return. In Rios, they brought in a player who is about to start getting expensive, but one who figures to age well and live up to his contract.
The Jays can point to the fact that Rios' numbers have dipped in an effort to justify the move, and it is entirely possible that his OPS will end up declining for a third straight year this season. However, Rios is more than just his OPS. He's a legitimate center fielder who had no business being shoved to a corner for a declining Vernon Wells. He's a very durable player whose only DL stint in six years as a major leaguer came about because of an infected leg. He's an excellent basestealer, succeeding on 82 percent of his attempts over the last three years.
Rios will make $9.7 million next year and then $49 million over the following four years, so it's not a move without risk for the White Sox. Still, his durability and defensive value makes a collapse very unlikely. Even if he wanders aimlessly and never lives up to his potential, his athleticism should guarantee that he's something close to an average regular. It's more likely that he'll have a couple of All-Star campaigns in Chicago and prove to be a modest bargain.

Sounds to me like the WhiteSox are just entering into dating stage. You'll notice that the excerpt is riddled with expectations. Maybe Rios will learn from a broken relationship, but in my experience people are who they are, and they don't change very much. I think you could easily rewrite the above commentary, as a guy describing his new girlfriend to his buddies.

Score another one for ME. It almost never happens that a hotty like Sally can be acquired without surrendering anything in return. In Sally, I've found a sweet sugar who is about to start getting expensive, but one who figures to age well and live up to her potential. Her ex can point to the fact that Sally has become a bitch in an effort to justify the move, and it is entirely possible that she will be bitchy for a third straight year this season. However, Sally is more than just her bitchy-ness. She's a legitimate hotty who had no business being shoved to a corner for a declining secretary, Anne. She's very durable whose only DL stint in six years as a major lover came about because of an infected 'you know what'. She's an excellent cook, succeeding on 82 percent of her new recipe attempts over the last three years. Sally will cost $9.7 million next year and then $49 million over the following four years, so it's not a move without risk for ME. Still, her durability and cooking value makes a collapse very unlikely. Even if she wanders aimlessly and never lives up to her potential, her athleticism should guarantee that she's something close to an average regular. It's more likely that she'll have a couple of All-Star campaigns in the sack and prove to be a modest bargain.

I guess I have to thank the BJ's for teaching a lesson of expectations.

Aerosmith Cancels Concerts Because Steven Tyler is a Female Zombie

2009-08-11T18:34:00.004-06:00

The spin on this story is that Aerosmith has to cancel concerts because Tyler fell off stage or something, and broke assorted body parts (hips being the most plausible given that he is about 90), thus he cannot perform. But we know the truth - zombies don't get hurt! Word is that Tyler plans to leave Aerosmith so that he can audition for the role of Mrs. Skeletor in an upcoming live action (undead action in Tyler’s case) Masters of the Universe film.

Barring that, he and Keith Richards can form a new band, The Greatful Undead.

Nice moustache douchebag!

Go away already!

Patrick Kane: Not on My Rec Hockey Team

2009-08-10T18:17:00.005-06:00

I am the organizer of a rec hockey team. We have a decent squad – we are consistently placed in about the middle division of the league, we always make the playoffs, and we always challenge for first in our division. In the 4 or 5 years that we have been in the league we have won one Stanley Cup, and lost in the finals once. We have a mixture of talent from guys who never played youth hockey to guys who played up to midget AAA or even junior B. We have a mix of personalities. We aren’t all friends, but we get along pretty well, and we go out for beers after the games from time to time.

Our season runs September through March and we play 30 games plus playoffs. Each game has two refs, a scorekeeper, and the league keeps online stats and standings. As you might imagine, the league fees aren’t cheap. A roster of 16-18 guys will put the share of league fees somewhere in the $500-$600 range per person. Before registering the team and paying a deposit, I ask the guys if they want to play again, and I tell them what the fees will be and when they are due. Every year I get enough guys who say they in, so I go ahead and register the team. But despite the fact that I have known all the guys for a few years and there is some camaraderie, I have trouble getting the guys to pay their fees on time. Without fail, every year I am hounding guys right up to the deadline, and in the past other guys who have organized the team have still been looking for money well beyond the deadline. I don’t know exactly why, but people seem to hate paying hockey fees. The reasons the guys come up with are lame to awesome. They range from “Oh I’ll get you next time,” to “Oh don’t worry, you know I’m good for it,” to “My wife forgot to give me the cheque,” to “I need our stock price to go up” (really? Sorry for messing with your retirement savings).

On the surface, Patrick Kane seems to be an awesome guy to have on your rec hockey team. He seems personable enough, he likes to go out drinking, he makes good money, and for sure he is a heck of a hockey player. But based on the latest news about him, I’m pretty sure that I would not want him on my team. You see, according to TSN, Kane and his cousin have been charged with felony robbery and misdemeanor theft of services and criminal mischief, stemming from an incident with a Buffalo cab driver (pictured above). The driver alleges that he was punched by both men because he did not have 20 cents in change to give them for cab fare. The police report states that the cab driver suffered cuts to his face and his glasses were damaged.

So Kane and his cousin knocked the crap out of a cab driver when he didn’t have 20 cents to give them in change. TSN are kind enough to remind us that last year Kane’s salary was $875 000 US, and was likely topped up with some bonuses and endorsements. So 20 cents (which represents 0.00002% of his salary) is enough to get Kane excited. Can you imagine trying to extract fees for a rec hockey team from this guy? $600 is like 0.07% of his salary! Cripes, I expect that I would be after him all season long as he tried to squeeze out every last cent of interest that his share of fees would get him if it stayed in his bank account. I would ask after each game; the best case scenario is that he’d say “Oh I forgot, I’ll get you next time,” the worst case scenario is that he’d lay the smack down on me like he did to Mr. Cabdriver. “You want my league fees!” he’d bellow at me. Then turning to the guys in the room, “If you want me to kick his a$$ give me a hell yeah!” before pummeling me. "And that's the bottom line, cuz Pat Kane said so!"

Kane grew up in Buffalo, and was in the city to attend an announcement from the mayor detailing funding for some improvements at a rink Kane played in as a kid. We can only wonder what might have happened if Kane had been paid just 20 cents (more) in appearance fees. Maybe looking in his pocket at two shiny dimes he would have thought “No, you can keep the 20 cents as a tip Mr. Cabdriver, it’s ok, I earned 20 cents extra today,” and exited the vehicle peacefully. Who would wait for 20 cents change from a cab ride anyway? Heck, I’m cheap, I don’t make nearly as much as Kane, and I wouldn’t think twice about change unless the cabbie owed me like 4 of 5 bucks. I can’t wait to get out of a cab – I’m always worried that they will slap on some other surcharge if I sit in it for too long. How is it that a cab ride from the airport costs like 6 bucks before you move 2 feet? Are cab fees calculated by airlines? (Ooohh, you want to take luggage with you….that will be an extra $50.) And I'm going to make a wild assumption that Kane was probably out drinking prior to getting in the cab, given that he in his early 20s, he just back to his home town, and it was 4 am when this all when down. Do you think he asked for change from the bartenders each time he got a drink? Can you picture a half-dressed shooter girl throwing booze down his throat? He hands her a five, she stuffs it into her cleavage and walks away, but Kane taps her on the shoulder and says "Where's my 25 cents change?"

Anyway, I digress. The good news is that Kane is a free agent after the 2009-2010 NHL season, so we can look forward to some spirited negotiations. Maybe Kane should hire Scott Boras to represent him to extort as much as possible from the Hawks. Or maybe Stone Cold Steve Austin.

What Does the Emperor Do On His Free Time?

2009-07-31T08:51:00.007-06:00

Lets relive one of the important scenes in Return of the Jedi. The movie is at the point where Luke is with Yoda and Han Solo is leading a squadron to Endor to deactivate the force field protecting the new Death Star. Darth Vader comes into the Emperor's executive corner office and reports that a shuttle has been allowed to land on Endor.

"Send the fleet on the far side of Endor. There it will stay, until called for."

This scene in Return of the Jedi shows the evilness and the intelligence of the Emperor. He knows more and sees more than even Darth Vader.

However it also shows a different side of the Emperor, a side that isn't immediately obvious. As the scene progresses, we get to see that the Emperor has visitors. WHO THE HELL ARE THESE GUYS? They are dressed in some weird robes, wear makeup and have eerie child-molestor grins on their faces. Why are they even in this scene? They serve no purpose. They have no lines and if they weren't there we wouldn't miss them at all.

So who are they? Here are my guesses.

1. High School Buddies - Imagine your the CEO of an evil empire. It would be cool to have your highschool buddies over to hang out, drink beer, reminisce about the younger years, and relive past female encounters. Sometimes business gets in the way, but you deal with it and then continue to hang out...

2. Massage Therapists - Imagine you're 80 years old but look like your 350 years old. You've taxed your body by doing things you shouldn't be able to do, using the dark side of the Force. Walking, sitting, eating - these are all things are more painful than they should be. Enter the massage therapists.

3. Ghey little friends - There is no Mrs Palpatine is there?

4. Robin Hood and Little John - For some reason this reminds me of the Disney version of Robin Hood where Robin Hood and Little John dress up to rob Prince John. These two crossdressers, plan to take Palps lightsaber! I guess that makes Darth Vader, Sir Hiss.

Ortiz and Ramirez Tested Positive for Performance Enhancing Drugs

2009-07-30T13:53:00.002-06:00

WHAT???

ps %%

Fake baking causes cancer: Duh

2009-07-29T17:58:00.007-06:00

Although we probably always suspected that tanning beds could cause cancer, we now know it to be true. A cancer-researching arm of the World Health Organization today published research in the medical journal Lacent Oncology declaring that skin cancer risk increases by 75% if you fake bake, and also that UV rays cause worrisome mutations in mice. The study elaborates to suggest that the risk of getting cancer from using tanning beds is comparable to being a smoker, a chimney sweep, or being infected by hepatitis B. Presumably then we shouldn't expect to run across too many orange-skinned chimney sweeps who like to light up after getting nasty with a hooker in Shanghai.

What's really important in this story are the photos that various news outlets chose to run to illustrate tanning bed usage. Since these photos were found in mainstream publications, I must assume that they are representative of the typical tanner. Apparently most tanning beds are found in psychedelic night clubs that charge you 20 bucks for cover so that you can listen to techno music and sip glowing $15 highballs laced with Ecstasy while you browse at the in-house Speedo boutique. If these two dudes use tanning beds, shouldn't we be happy that they cause cancer? Wouldn't we be better off without these douche-bags walking around? In any case, I doubt that the second guy could be harmed by UV light because he is most likely a Terminator.

A Guide To Understanding Women

2009-07-29T13:05:00.004-06:00

I believe that it is well known that women are delicate creatures. This is often viewed from the perspective of physical strength, and on average, I believe that when compared to men it is accurate to view them as such. That being the case, when you are playing co-rec (i.e. bisexual) sports, there is no need to slide tackle girls while playing soccer. Or blast shots on net upon an obvious beginner female goalie! Its amazing how some guys lose their minds as soon as the scent of competition hits the air... Anyways, I digest...

I've also wondered about what are the motivating factors that control how emotionally/phsycologically stable a girl is. With that in mind, I present the following chart.

One would like to hope that the hotness and craziness of woman are independent variables. Plotting data is one way to determine if there is a linear, or other, relationship between the way a woman looks and how messed up she is.
A number of things that are immediately obvious when looking at this plot.
1. Minimal hotness and minimal craziness puts you in the Plain Jane Zone. My theory is that women view this as the WORST place to be. There is nothing extraordinary about your life. That means no romance, no adventure, no need for shopping and definitely no drama or stuff to cry about.
2. As people age, they tend to not look as good as they did in their more youthful days. As a man, the best you can hope for is that your partner ages gracefully, without going crazy.
3. Where a single woman plots is time variant. Plotting the path of women can tell you a lot, from where she has been to where she may end up. Consider the path of Britney Spears. Early on she would have been thought of as an attractive, talented young woman. As time passed, her craziness most definitely increased and ultimately impacted on how she looked. She progressed clear across the plot space occupying spaces reserved for the craziest of the crazies!
4. Every mans plot will be different, even for the same woman.

I think men could deal with women a bit better if they truly understood what they were getting into when entering a relationship. The "mythical" equilibrium line, would represent an accurate method in which a man would be given a fair warning - if you date really hot women be ready for some extreme craziness. At that point a man can decide what they are willing to deal with.
Unfortunately, this is not the case. The best one can hope for is a woman who is hot, maintains the hotness whilst not being sucked into the black hole of craziness.

Out Punting Your Coverage

2009-07-27T13:18:00.005-06:00

I believe it is every mans dream to outpunt his coverage. What does that mean exactly? Its origin is from football vernacular but essentially, you've punted the ball so well that there isn't sufficient time for your coverage team to get the punt returner in time so as to tackle him upon his catching the football. This is a metaphor for the scenarios in which average looking men end up with drop dead gorgeous women. For example, Michael Douglas with Zeta-Jones. How the freak did that happen? Old balls Douglas, who got one of the best roles ever in Fatal Attraction ends up, in real life, with Ms. Best Laser Ass Ducking Scene Ever! Or Lyle Lovett... although, that call was overturned when the officials got a second look at the play...

My theory is that men need to get off as many punts as possible in the hopes that you get a good one. However, despite the fact that your pushing the other team deep into their own end of the field, the the problem with outpunting your coverage is the return is usually pretty good. This can be thought of the high cost keeping such an extraordinary female happy. The expectations of such a good punt are usually pretty high! Is it worth it?

Don't even get me started on on-side kicks.

Or punting out of your own endzone and the risk of stepping out of bounds for an automatic safety...

For Our Friend Brine

2009-07-27T13:11:00.005-06:00

He’s not afraid to sweat, whether running or riding the bus.
He has ended an argument....with a face twitch.
He can camouflage himself while wearing his bright yellow rain jacket.
He's not afraid to cry - if the joke is funny enough.
He’s a technical geophysicist, not a fighter - but he's also a fighter, so don't get any ideas...
He once drew a triangle – with 4 sides.
He can take the square root of -1, and not get an imaginary number.
He can recite pi to 1 million decimal places.
He once proved that 4 is a prime number.
At a sports stadium he'll deconvolve the wave.
He can divide a number by zero, and get a real answer.
He runs prestack migration…poststack.
He does wave equation migration, without equations.
He can make S-waves travel in fluids.
He does AVO analysis, with no offsets.
He does time-lapse interpretation….with no monitor survey.
He removes multiples….with mirrors.
When he showers, his soap gets cleaned.
He once prevented WWIII…by fly-fishing.
He likes his sushi….cooked.
He can read Braille…with his eyes.
He listens to sign language.
Google asks him where to find things.
He can speak 15 languages, in Newfinese.
He puts his foot down, as long as it’s all right with his wife...
He guided the Mars rover.....by texting.
When he goes fishing, the fish jump into his hands.
When he farts, angels sing.
He plays soccer…without a ball.
He has prevented bleeding wounds.....by putting tape on his nipples.
He admonishes, and the pope listens.
He a handsome gentleman...and finds some gentlemen handsome.
He eats butterscotch donuts, and time stops.
He once got a refund from a charity, for making too generous a donation.
Bill Gates asked him for help installing Vista.
He has more knowledge than Wikipedia.
He connects to the internet with his mind.
His wife never has a headache.
Beavers think he works too hard and Lions consider him royalty.
He has a big deck, and he'll invite you to come sit on it...

He is the most interesting man in the world....

So Much For 50-50

2009-07-20T16:52:00.005-06:00

Sometime I feel like Halladay will get traded and sometimes I feel like he won't. I don't get any insider information so I don't really have any insight as to what team is the favorite or what it is that teams are offering for the greatest BJ ever - but I can give you some Eklund-like updates and say that sources have told me that the BJ's are considering something and they may decide on something soon (e5)... stay tuned!

Anyways, I figure that there are a couple ways that this whole Halladay scenario can go down.

1. JP makes a good trade and the BJ's get what they've stated they've wanted this whole time - a number 1 pitching prospect and a number 1 hitting prospect close to major league ready. I figure a bunch of high risk high reward prospects are thrown in to round out the trade and it really will look like the BJ's have set themselves up for the future (I'd like K. Drabek, D. Brown and J. MacDonald from the phillies por ejemplo - I just looked at their stats and Drabek isn't that big of a guy. Makes me worried about potential injury problems)

2. JP sticks to his guns and because no one has met his asking price, Halladay stays with the BJ's and he remains the best pitcher for the rest of this year and the next.

I don't even want to consider the case where JP makes a crappy trade - we get rid of the best pitcher ever, and we get nothing in return. That would smell of cost cutting measure in my eyes. This could have all be avoided I think if Wells and Rios actually remembered how to play baseball. The BJ's would be in contention and it would be ludicrous to consider trading Halladay.

Its pretty hard to get excited about BJ's this year... not something you'd hear very often.

Pedro Hurt While Signing with Phils

2009-07-15T18:55:00.009-06:00

When I think about it, I am kind of surprised that this has not happened to someone else already. There are a ton of chronically injured athletes. But to be honest with you, although he is a guy who is always hurt, Pedro Martinez is not the most obvious choice for the first guy to get hurt while signing a new deal. And make no mistake, he was hurt signing the contract. ESPN says that Pedro passed a physical before signing. So if he wasn't hurt while signing, what other explanation is there?

If I had to pick athletes who would be most likely to get hurt while signing, I think I' d go with either Marian Gaborik or Nomar Garciaparra. Picture this, Gabby is about slap on the signature, but drops the pen onto the floor. It lands under the table, so he he taps it with his foot. It's one of those big fancy fountain pens, so its kind of heavy, and he strains his groin in the process. As for Nomar, his name itself makes signing a risky venture. Look at all of the letters! How could he possibly scribble down N-O-M-A-R .... without cramping up, given how sore his wrists must be from undoing/doing up his batting gloves? Don't forget the chance of a paper cut, or the strain of carrying a briefcase. Sheesh.

Word is the Phils are looking at Mark Prior if Pedro doesn't work out (e5).

Three Wolves T-Shirt

2009-07-15T10:19:00.002-06:00

If I only knew this is what I needed to get me some fine ladies!

http://http://www.amazon.com/Three-Wolf-Moon-T-Shirt-Medium/dp/B000NZW3J8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=apparel&qid=1247669322&sr=8-1

The reviews really capture the power of the t-shirt

Homerun Champ

2009-07-13T21:54:00.004-06:00

5'11'', 270 lbs....smacked one over 500 feet.... is there a greater fathlete than Prince Fielder?

Irony

2009-07-13T13:58:00.004-06:00

Is it surprising that Kim Jong Il, is sick?

It's like saying John Little, is short.

Or Tom Baker, likes flour and ovens.

Or Harold Richards is....

Dear Dana White

2009-07-13T13:08:00.004-06:00

Why don't you get your own DNA?!

regards

Andre Agassi

Captivating

2009-07-13T11:27:00.003-06:00

Captivate, the elevator tv company, put as one of todays top stories - 65% of Canadians don't like minority governments. Really? What you are saying is "the majority of people don't like the minority of the people".
I guess I shouldn't really make fun, considering that Captivate does give me most of the news of the day.
In other breaking news, vegetarians don't like to eat meat.

Bathroom Reading for Your Sunday Morn....

2009-07-12T10:18:00.010-06:00

It's a slow news day/couple of days, so I am posting out of obligation rather than necessity.

If you like guys hug-fighting, you would have loved UFC 100 last night. George St. Pierre beat up some guy and won via decision, and Brock Lesnar decommissioned the former Soviet Space Station Mir. Afterwards, in a tribute to his WWE roots, he managed to spit 10-12 litres of saliva whilst speaking in a post match interview. Sadly, Mean Gene was absent. http://www.tsn.ca/mma/story/?id=284480

99 is doing some legal stuff with the city of Glendale. Apparently the court wants access to Gretz's personal finances, and 99 wants to keep his (or his wife's) gambling secrets private. http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=284446

Steve Harper met with Pope Benny for 90 minutes to discuss economic and moral issues. They even exchanged gifts with Benny scoring a glass vase (perhaps to hold Holy Water from oilsands tailings ponds?) and Steve the recipient of a +3 pen of Ignatieff besmirching. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/national/harper-pope-discuss-economy-values/article1215128/

We'll Miss Miss You Saku (Sort of)

2009-07-08T19:22:00.005-06:00

I won't write much about Saku moving on to skate with Teemu in the O.C. I think Mike Boone on Habsinsideout has an excellent tribute that sums up the character of Saku Koivu. I share those sentiments; Saku Koivu worked hard, gave his all, put up with a lot of crap, and always stayed classy. I am sad to see him go as he is the type locality for what a captain should be. But from a hockey standpoint, I'd rather have Gomez as my number one centre (it just sucks that his contract is ridiculous), and I'd rather have Pleks as my #2, since he is basically a younger version of Koivu. Max Laps is an ideal agitator at #3, and let a young guy or a plumber have the #4 centre spot. So I'll miss you Saku. It's not your fault that the Habs sucked ass last year. It would have been nice to see you accept the cup from Bettman in your Habs jersey, but let's face it, barring some huge surprises you will be retired before the Habs can win a cup anyway.

What to do with Halladay

2009-07-08T10:45:00.003-06:00

If the BJ's trade Halladay, the kind of return I would want is ridiculous. And even if some team were to agree to the ridiculousness, I would still feel as though the BJ's got the bad end of the deal. Being emotionally attached to a player usually means that said player is good. You've attached good feelings to seeing this player because when he's dealing, you're team always wins. Being so attached that you're not sure if you'd ever trade Halladay for anything means you're likely never to see talents like his in a BJ's uniform again.

The one trade that comes close to what I would expect for Halladay is the Miggy Cab and Willis trade from the Marlins to the Tigers. The Tigers pretty much emptied their prospect treasure chest for these two players, neither of which are as good as Halladay. Unless we get back this era's Ted Williams, Bob Gibson, Willie Mays and throw in Albert Pujols, I won't be happy.

I think what I'm really saying is that if Halladay is traded, no matter what they get back in return, I'll be crying. I just pray to the little baby Hay-zeus that it isn't to the yanks or redsox.

Way to Protest/Your Opinion Doesn’t Count Anyway

2009-07-07T13:38:00.002-06:00

This past Sunday, with the hope of Kovy captaining the Habs swelling in their bosoms, a bunch of Habs fans rallied before the Centre Bell in an attempt to coerce Bob Gainey into re-signing Alex Kovalev. What devotion! I’d call this short-term memory loss, but I’m not sure if that adequately describes the ability to remember the final few weeks of last season, forget the rest of it, remember the entire 07-08 season, and then forget the previous two seasons. What other explanation is there? In his tenure with the Habs (and really most of his career) Kovalev has been maddeningly inconsistent. Sure he is capable of being the best player on his team and carrying his mates for long stretches, but he is just as capable of dragging down the team for nights on end. Don’t forget that he is like 36, so his best days are most likely behind him. So to the now crestfallen ralliers I say get over it already. Way to selectively remember the best parts, and forget the crappy parts. And for Christ’s sake find something better to do. Like blogging for example.

This Monday, following the rally, Bobby G felt the need to address the Habs fans on Montreal Radio. Let me paraphrase his message: “We offered Kovy a deal; he took too long to decide, so we gave his money to someone who may be small, but will probably be less frustrating. Why don’t you cry?”

So now Kovy is a member of Les Senateurs d’Ottawa. If the chemistry is right, I ‘magine he will line up with Spezza and Alfie, which should ensure that he has a big season, making Bobby G look bad in the process. I suppose it is just as likely that he will drag those guys down and/or find himself on another line, and will post his habitual 65ish point season, despite leading all forwards in ice time. Will you miss that?

Not that I am advocating this, but if you really feel the need to take up a social cause, why not protest in favour of re-signing Koivu? Saku is not a guy whose heart can be questioned. He has survived cancer (returned in the same season as being diagnosed!), a near on-ice eye-ectomy, played #1 centre minutes without a #1 centre body, and perhaps most impressively, put up with the French media questioning how the captain of the Montreal Canadiens couldn’t speak French. Saku’s skills may be diminished, but why not pile on Bob to sign Saku to a reduced dollar, reduced minutes character role?

Albert Poo-holes is the Shit

2009-07-06T15:49:00.002-06:00

336 AVG, 33 HR and 82 RBI's? Are you friggin kidding me? All that is needed now is for him to be suspended for steroids/HGH. These numbers are so ridiculous that it makes Prince Fielders numbers (313 AVG, 22 HR and 76 RBIs) look mediocre. Vernon Wells needs to learn how play ball like these guys. It must be because playing CF is much more taxing physically than it is to play firstbase.

Dear Vernon
I can help improve your numbers.
Regards
Bernard Madoff

One of these things does not belong

2009-07-06T09:13:00.004-06:00

Hint: Tiger Woods is on pace to win more majors than anyone else in golf his'try. Roger Federer has just won more tennis majors than Mr Charisma (whose most interesting on court display was puking during a match). The third guy in this picture wears pinstripes and couldn't play firstbase better than the 20 HR 61 RBI guy manning firstbase now.

My Man Crush Grows Stronger

2009-07-05T15:04:00.006-06:00

Roger Federer is now officially the greatest tennis player ever (as though he wasn't before today) after defeating Andy "where the F did that match come from" Roddick, who, as his middle name might suggest, channeled the ailing Raffa Nadal to give Federer a run that few expected. It took 5 Fing sets, with Federer finally clinching 87-85 in the fifth, before shaking hands with some second-rate member of the royal family who stuck around to give Rog his trophy and Roddick his pie platter. In all seriousness, props to Roddick for not losing a service game until the bitter end. It was a good match, but nothing like last year's epic Rog-Raffa.

Bathroom Reading for Your Saturday....

2009-07-04T11:39:00.005-06:00

I hope this morn (almost aft) finds our legions of readers well. Take your lapper to the crapper and consider:

Serena beats sis Venus at Wimbledon, proving yet again that big chongs = success. http://www.tsn.ca/tennis/story/?id=283705
Ryan Smith off to LA for a couple of D - not sure what to make of this one, except Ryno gets paid way to much. Heck you can almost get Scott Gomez for Ryno money. http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=283667
Fans in Habsland have started two separate petitions to bring back Kovy and Koivu as captain (I'm not joking). Read about it here: http://habsinsideout.com/main/20863. Sounds like a great idea to me - when do petitions NOT work?
Sarah Palin resigns as governor of Alaska. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/palin-resignation-shakes-up-republican-presidential-prospects/article1205816/ Gee, I hope this means she starts campaigning for the 2012 election now. No time like the present!

Nash Signs in Columbus!

2009-07-03T19:52:00.006-06:00

Thank the little baby Hayzoos in the cradle! As reported by TSN, Rick Nash has signed an 23-year, $7 billion contract with the Columbus Blue Jackets. Why am I so excited? Because now we won't have to hear endless speculation that he will sign with the Leafs next year. After all, he is a "Brian Burke-type player," (really? like Colton Orr - 5 points, -15, 193 Pims last year - or Mikhail Grabovski, commander douche-bag), is from Brampton, and clearly would love to line up with Lee Stempniak and that mmmbop kid from Hanson to pad his stats.

So thanks non-Doug McLean GM in Columbus! You made my day!

Born!

2009-07-03T12:28:00.000-06:00

Here we go, Chongs on Missus is alive!